Tough times and tough decisions

So I wasn’t going to post about this, mainly because I am tired of talking about it and want to try to get away from the negativity of this whole situation, but this resurfaced a few days before Christmas, so I decided I would post about it, hopefully to give myself some closure from the whole thing.

For the past two years, before A and I got married, I had been living in an apartment with one of my very good friends that I grew up playing soccer with, and than one other random girl. My friend (we will call her Jen) and I got along great, and her boyfriend and my boyfriend at the time were very good friends as well so we would constantly go on double dates. Well she ended up getting engaged, and about 4 months later I got engaged as well. Great … fantastic. We were planning our weddings together and I was in her wedding and she was in mine. My wedding was in September and hers was in October. Everything was perfect.

Well things started going sour in March of last year. My friend and roommate, who I was very close with, started becoming very distant. She would leave the apartment when she went to talk to her fiancée (we will call him Chris) on the phone and was disappearing a lot. There was also this one week where she wouldn’t talk to anyone and just wrote in this diary that she had – and lost about 10 pounds. This is bad enough as it is .. but when she is about 110 pounds wet, 10 pounds is A LOT. So I was really concerned about her, and when I asked what was wrong and if she needed to talk, she would just tell me she was fine. She started getting a bit better after that one really bad week, she wasn’t losing weight anymore and she was being much more normal and talked to me – but she was still disappearing at night.

This went on for a couple of months, before it finally started to dawn on me that something was really not right here. Every night she was leaving to go “shopping” to de-stress. She was taking a grad school course and was so stressed and needed to get away at night by going walking or shopping. But she never came back with anything. And half the time, her fiancée was texting me asking me where she was. Even worse, there were a few times she told her fiancée she was going to bed, and then ended up leaving.
What does this look like to you?

Yeah, I started to think the same thing. And then, this guy she kept talking about that she worked with happened to need rides to work in the morning occasionally. Which was weird because he lived somewhat close to their work, would travel further to get to our apartment, so she could bring him. And one morning I caught them being extra flirtatious before they left the house.

There were a few other little signs here and there and I didn’t know what to do. It became extremely apparent that Jen was cheating on her fiancée with someone from work. I was trying to plan for my wedding and didn’t need to be stressing out about this whole situation – and boy did I stress over this. I couldn’t just watch two people get married with all the cheating and lies … but I couldn’t just tell Chris because I was Jen’s friend first … but boy do I hate confrontation and did not want to tell her that I knew either.

Well June rolled around (Jen is a teacher so she was practically done with school), so I decided that I needed to tell her that I knew. For the past couple of weeks I had been very distant with her so she kept begging me to tell her what was wrong. So I let it out. And she cried. She said she was so confused and that I was right and she had no idea what she wanted but she felt like she loved to people and went on and on. Yes – she said loved. It was much more serious than I thought. So of course I was her friend through this, but at the same time I had to be real with her. I told her while I didn’t understand why she was cheating on her fiancée because I don’t agree with cheating whatsoever (if you want to cheat just break up with the person), I wanted her to be happy, so whether happy was with this other guy, with her fiancée, or with no guy at all right now, she needed to figure that out. I let her vent and cry to me first, and then told her my thoughts. I told her that maybe she should think about postponing the wedding and talking to her fiancée about these uncertainties that she was having. I also said that I thought she could fix things if she just told him what had happened and agreed to work on them. Chris was in love with her, and I told her that he would want to fix whatever was not working and work through her/their issues together, and eventually still get married. I told her that if Chris ever found out the lies she would lose him – so I said she really needed to be honest and tell him. She agreed that she needed to talk to her fiancée either way, but that she needed the weekend to think about things.

Ok great. This was working out really well – or better than I thought it was going to go. I was a good friend, and I continued to try to help her talk through her feelings and what not, and it really seemed like she was going to figure things out and talk to her fiancée about what had been going on and fix it. When Monday rolled around she all of a sudden said that she was ending things with this other guy but not telling her fiancée because it would only hurt him and she couldn’t do that to him. Really?! Maybe you should have thought of that BEFORE you decided to cheat on him for at least 4 months. I told her how this was going to be a huge elephant sitting on her shoulder for her entire life and that she would never be able to be completely happy hiding something this big. But she said no, that it was better not telling, and that was how it was going to be. So here came the hardest thing up to this point, and that was to tell her I could no longer be in her wedding party. How could I possibly stand there in a church, and watch her say “I do”, knowing it meant nothing. A and I are both very religious and I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I couldn’t be a part of that. So of course she was mad but she said she understood. I had told her that if she told her fiancée everything, and they worked through things and still got married that I would happily stand up at the wedding, but I couldn’t if the lies were there. This didn’t change anything though and she was going to be continuing the lies. Of course, it brought up questions from both her fiance and mine why I was no longer in her wedding. She told me to lie to A, and she kept her fiancée away from me so that he couldn’t ask me in person, and just told him that I didn’t think she should be getting married if she was a little nervous. He thought a little nervous was fine and so in turn thought I was being a horrible friend and got pissed at me, which meant he wasn’t really talking to A either.

Well my roommate was fine with lying to her fiancée, but I was not okay with it. A knew something was up, and I couldn’t not tell him anymore. A and I tell each other everything and don’t lie to one another, so when he straight up asked me what was going on, I was going to have to tell him, I was just trying to buy Jen some time so that she could tell Chris on her own terms. I told Jen that I would be telling A and that I couldn’t control whether he told Chris or not, and she FLIPPED out. Chris and A are friends, and so A felt that he had a duty to let him know of this. I would want to know if my fiancée was cheating on me, and so would A (I think most people would want to know before taking one of their biggest steps in their life up to this point), so unfortunately A was the one that needed to break the news to him, as hard as it was. Well Jen begged me not to tell. She didn’t care that I wasn’t in her wedding anymore, she only cared about me telling A. So clearly, she did not care about our friendship, rather, she only cared about her secret being found out.

Well, towards the end of July, before they were about to move in together (and after I had already moved out), A finally realized he just had to bite the bullet and tell Chris. And he freaked out. He was in shock, which most would be when their fiancée and someone they have been dating for 6+ years is cheating on them. July and August were tough months. Thankfully, I had moved out of the apartment in early July so I wasn’t around Jen anymore, but I still had to deal with some nasty messages from her. And Chris was so upset. The thing is, he thought about taking her back. Which to me, if he decided that, then great. I thought he just had the right to know who he was marrying, whether he wanted to still marry her is up to him and I would support any decision. And even after finding out that she cheated and then was going to keep it a secret forever, he was still going to take her back. Well she decided to hammer the nails in her own coffin when first of all she decided to fly out to Chicago to go see him the DAY AFTER their wedding shower. She eventually came clean about this after he interrogated her about her real reasons on going there. This was a good month after she had told me that she had completely broke things off with this guy. How could you fly out to see the guy a day after you just shared a wedding shower with your fiancée and accepted all these gifts from friends and family. And then, a friend of Chris, who lives in the same town, found Jen parked in front of the house of the guy she had been cheating with. She had been texting Chris while she was with this other guy. That was the final straw for Chris, when he realized how big of a liar and cheater she was, and he ended it and said he would not be taking someone back that just continued to lie over and over again.

This was all before my wedding, stress I did not need. A mutual friend of Jen and I, and someone who was actually supposed to be in Jen’s wedding party as well, sent me an email because she had heard partly through me and partly through Chris what had happened, and she thanked me for what I had done. She realized how difficult it had been and thanked me for realizing the importance of the sacrament of marriage and said that A and I would have a very long, happy, and healthy marriage because we both understood what marriage meant. That was very uplifting for me. I had a really hard time with this because this was someone who I thought was a friend. It took awhile to realize how much she was using me, and how allowing that wedding to take place was almost just as bad as what Jen had done. Well not quite, but you get my point.

Well since then, her Chris has thanked us over and over again for saving his life, and that he has never been this happy. He has a new girlfriend, and I truly hope he is happy. He has told us that Jen has emailed him and wrote him countless letters asking to get back together, but he has stayed strong and told her he has moved on and she should too.
I do feel bad for her, obviously she has some issues and needs to figure out some things, but that is no excuse to take it out on your so-called friends and to cheat on your fiancée for months and plan to get married anyway. Why get married if you are going to cheat? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Anyways, A and I have moved on from all of that drama thankfully and only once and awhile is she brought up in conversation with other people (we are from the same hometown and share some mutual friends) and I try to just ignore it. I don’t want to tell other people her business, but at the same time, I am sure she has ripped me to pieces when she tells other people why she is not engaged. Again, two wrongs don’t make it right so I don’t get into it.

Well, as I had said when I started this ridiculously long post, this issue resurfaced again just before Christmas. It was actually the day before Christmas Eve and A and I were doing some last-minute shopping when I got an email on my phone from none other than this “friend” and the subject was “2012”. I thought hmm, weird, maybe she is apologizing for how she treated me and everyone else during those months or just saying that she has moved on with everything .. but no. Jen went into how while she agrees with what she did was wrong, I was more wrong in what I did to her by telling Chris. She said that I should have been a friend and not judged her and tried to help her tell Chris. (Did I not try to do that for over a month before you finally just said absolutely not you are continuing on with the wedding plans? I didn’t judge, I listened to you cry and tried to help you figure things out. And besides, you are an adult, you should be making adult decisions on your own. Either way, I did try to help you.) And then Jen got into how she was in therapy to try to help her figure out why she did what she did and to help her move on. (So I am sure her therapist said maybe she should try to clear the air between her and I going into the new year – NOT to put all the blame of her problems on to me… I don’t think she got the therapists point.) She ended saying how she misses the good times that she had with A and I, but that she can never forgive us for what we did to her, and that she would prefer if I didn’t respond to her email.
Really, you prefer I didn’t respond because you can’t handle the truth. And this is your 2012 email to me – is this supposed to make you feel better?!
I became very anxious, and was torn on whether I should defend myself and my actions, or just let it go. I didn’t want to start this whole thing over again, but I wanted to defend myself. I went back and forth several times and never felt good about the decision to either send an email or not send anything. So the next day, when I was in church, I prayed about it, and asked God what I should do. And I left church realizing that I didn’t need to defend my actions to her. I know deep down I did what was right and all that I could do, and I felt at peace with that decision. Sometimes you just need a little faith and some help from God.

So sorry for the long drawn out post. Instead of emailing her back, I decided to just write about it here. It felt good to finally get that all out. It’s a little scary talking about something so serious and something that was so tough for me. While 2011 was amazing and filled with some wonderful things, this was also a dark shadow over it and I am ready to move on from it. Has anyone else had any similar experiences? Do you agree with my decision to not be in the wedding and to eventually tell her fiancée? Or would you do things differently than I had?


One thought on “Tough times and tough decisions

  1. I just have to think about it from her fiance’s perspective. If I were him, I would want to know. I guess I probably would’ve given her so many days to tell him herself or I would, and then follow through.

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